Transitioning out of Singleness (part 3b)

Hi Friends! Today we have a follow up to my previous post "How did I do it?" A friend of mine, who was also single into her adulthood (I can't remember at what age she met and fell in love with her now husband of four? five? years, but she was not 21), had a comment that turned into a post. 


We worked together in the University Ministries Office, when we were both studying for our graduate degrees at Baylor and one thing I admire about her is her candid way of communicating, and her sense of humor. Her response to the last blog post is below. I've copied it here in its entirety because I thought it was just so good! Enjoy.


Hey Tiffani-

I really enjoyed your blog post today and I was writing a comment and well the comment just got away from me and became more of an essay (yikes). I'm posting in via email and will leave it up to you on how to share it.

I love this post, because it is SO honest.  Kudos to Sally for asking and wrestling with really good questions.

As a woman who was single for a while, dated A LOT (not in a good way), and struggled often with these same kinds of questions I think I can offer some encouragement and advice.


Just last night, I spent the evening with a group of married women in a bible study and the subject of our discussion was about the hurt, loneliness and rejection women experience and carry around mainly because of abandonment (usually by a father figure).


I sat and cried alongside these friends and shared a bit of my own story of sexual abuse by a family acquaintance right about the same time I was emotionally abandoned by my father.  I know that these kinds of feelings are not isolated to being single. I was also reminded of a truth that I learned while being single that helped in those moments when I felt “like shit for being single” and even now when I feel like “shit” for some other insecurity or fear.


Truth #1 “It is not hard to love me.”  The worst part of dating and having your hopes dashed, regardless of how high your expectations or hopes are, is the nagging feeling of rejection.  Even if the reason things don’t work out has little to do with you, there is still an underlying sense of “is something wrong with me?”

It doesn’t help that there is a prevalent idea in Christian culture that lauds marriage as an accomplishment reached only by those who have “gotten it all together” or somehow fixed all their broken parts.


 The challenge is not to believe the lies the Enemy tries to tell you in these vulnerable moments.  The lie says that you are broken and unlovable.

The TRUTH is we are all broken, but we are all redeemed!  I am healed and made whole by a savior who loves me.  It is not hard to love me.   Christ loves me.  I can remind myself that this is true because of the host of people in my life that show love to me on a daily basis.  This is a struggle I dealt with as a single person and one I still deal with as a married
person.

Getting counseling is a wise move.  It will help.  It was for me as I was able to see clearly and deal with the underlying hurt and rejection that contributed to the “shitty” feelings of being single.  I was able to see them as just shitty feelings, less about my relationship status and more about hurtful things that happened to me or that I did to myself.


The longing didn’t go away, but understanding made it a lot easier.  Knowing why a feeling is happening helps give perspective.  When you have a good understanding of your “issues” (for lack of a better word) Relationships, dating or otherwise, are *easier* (note I didn’t say easy).  Realistic expectations for dates are more manageable when you have good perspective on yourself and how (& why) you deal with various challenges and situations.


Truth #2 “Give the Time value.” I refuse to spout any of the cliché’s I heard while single about waiting.  My only encouragement is to use the time. Don’t look at this single part of your life as a time of waiting or getting ready for something next.  Rather than view this as a “time of singleness” or the future as a “time of being married” or a “time of whatever,” just look at your life as *time*.


When I was in college I could do things that I can’t do now because of work and family obligations.  There are things I can do now, working rather than studying, because I have more financial resources than I did in college.  There are things I can do now as a younger person I won’t be able to do when I am older.  I will be able to do things when I am older that I can’t do now.


Time doesn’t have good or bad value.  It is just valuable.


I would encourage anyone younger than 30, married or not, to use the time to create some really good habits (Tiffani's note - I would encourage this at any age! you are never too old to develop good habits).  Develop the kind of habits that become so ingrained in who you are that you must do them in order to function properly.  Bible Study, prayer and contemplation, exercise and self-care are the habits that will see you through whatever life brings your way.   If these kinds of things are challenging to make into habits, then again,
counseling is a great place to figure out why.


Romans chapter 12 is, for me, a guiding treatise on how to live life in every time.  The final verses of the chapter seem appropriate here:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: 
   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
   if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. 
-Romans 12:9-21 (NIV)

Transitioning Out of Singleness (part 3): How did you do it?

Recently a friend of mine sent me an email about her current single-ness, and asking me a couple of questions. I decided to include it here, as part of the series, along with my advice to her, because a number of my friends are single and hoping to be married someday and
1) She thought the advice I offered her was helpful, so maybe others will, too.
2) I thought that some of you out there might a) have advice that is in addition to mine, and b) have questions that we can all answer together.
I certainly do not think that I know anything about courtship, really, or that my experience is indicative of the experience of others. But I do hope that what I have to say below will bless you like my conversation with - lets call her Sally - blessed me.

(all communication posted with permission)

From Sally:
Tiff,
 I just ... I have to know how you did it. Each time I go on a date that seems promising, and then realize I've been duped once again I feel like my heart breaks a thousand times over. I just can't do it anymore.
And I refuse to believe that wanting something or not wanting something is what affects the outcome. Any tips you have on not feeling like shit for being single are welcome! Because at this point there's not enough glue in the world to glue the pieces of my heart back together.
 - Sally 


My reply:
Hey Sally,
My friend, may the Lord be with you! I feel for you so much. I wish I could tell you that I had a solution to the pain that comes with being single and wishing to be otherwise. But most of my answers will seem trite or pat, and I don't want to offer you such things.

I totally agree - "wanting" and "not wanting" are not the difference - that is "The Secret" kind of stuff, and it's BS. (Even though you'll hear Christians say things that sound eerily similar to that philosophy). Plenty of people in scripture wanted things and Lord withheld for a time. This was most often true of men and women who wanted children, but I think that wanting to have a loving relationship is a similar "want".

I don't know that I have advice that will be super helpful, but what questions and advice I do have, I will offer you:
advice #1 - be extra choosy. One thing I like about you, and that we have in common, is a predisposition to believe that the next thing is the best thing. Because of that, you have to raise your standards higher, so that not every cute guy who seems funny and smart gets through door. It will mean fewer dates, but the dates will be more likely to meet your expectations.

advice #2 - take a break from dating for a while, if you need, so that you can let your heart heal a bit. during that time, really think about why you want to be dating/married - what is it about being single that you think you might want to leave behind? what is it about being married/long-term-partnered that you would want? think about what expectations you have for dating and for a relationship, and then think about which of those expectations are ones that could be fulfilled before a relationship really gets going.

advice #3 - give it time. I know this advice stinks, but as someone who didn't meet the love of her life until she was in her mid-30s, I'm here to tell you that even though the intervening years were hard, both Curby and I would say that it was worth it to find each other. You might meet the perfect guy tomorrow, and you both know it! (that is what happened to Curby and I) or you might meet him in 5 years and know it right away. Or you might meet him tomorrow and not be sure for 2 more years. Or you might meet him in 5 years and not be sure for 2 more years. There is unfortunately just no way of saying. My best advice is to just keep doing what you're doing - go out to places where people are, meet people, be friendly, get involved in regular things and hopefully, when the time is right, you'll run into mr. right.

advice #4 - go to counseling. Seriously, I've done it a couple times - and many sessions were me sitting there crying saying, "why all my friends and not me!?" - but its nice to have a place where someone will listen to you say that weekly and offer helpful suggestions for any work you can do to make yourself more ready for dating/marriage when it comes.

Finally, take your pain and hurt and desires to God. Cry out to him in your pain and loneliness and bring your complaints to him. For me, the psalmist who said, "but as for me, my foot had almost slipped" best represented where I was when I met Curby. I had almost lost hope that marriage was for me - I had even started looking into single adoption, but I just kept bringing my request to the Lord and keeping my eyes open just in case. Even when you feel like your heart is broken into so many pieces its a puzzle that can't be repaired, the Lord is there and he loves you. Small consolation, sometimes, but still true. I love that Nichole Nordemon song "Small Enough" because that is what I felt so often.

Grace to you, friend. I hope this is even somewhat helpful. We can continue to dialogue - I'd love it. Blessings, Tiff


What do you think, friends? Do you have any additional advice/suggestions? do you have any other questions/thoughts?

Transitioning Out of Singleness (Part 2b): The Little Things, Or How I Was Prepared Beforehand

When I look back at the past few years, in light of my upcoming marriage, I can see ways that God has really prepared me for marriage. Some of these were things that I did - at the prompting of friends or family - and some of them were just blessings that came through divine appointments.

The various things that I've been reflecting on, in no particular order are detailed below:

* Communication:  Yes, I am a talker. But I have not always been a good communicator. I have been afraid of conflict and an avoider of the "hard talks." My ability to communicate authentically and openly has definitely improved in the last ten years and generally as a result of a few specific encounters:
           1) In 2001, I moved in with the Fergason family. I wanted to live with a young, Christian family and see what that looked like from the "inside." We used it as practice discipleship for all three of us. Quickly after arriving, I realized - as did they - that I was not sharing what I was really thinking and feeling. I would just hold it in to avoid conflict and because of that, it was difficult to work out hard issues that we encountered while living together. We got along pretty well, generally, but as always when you live with someone there are some growing pains and conflicts as you rub up against each other. Ultimately, John and Karen gave me an assignment: When something bothered me, or when something came up in my mind that I wanted to talk about, I had to write it on an index card that I kept in my pocket. Then at our weekly house meetings, I was responsible for bringing up the issues on the card, or abandoning them forever. They didn't look at the card in advance, so it wasn't like I couldn't decide to wait a week, but it helped me to discern what things were worth being upset about and thus bringing up, and what things were not worth worrying about. I've used this exercise time and again over the years, when I knew that I was going to be afraid to bring something up to a friend or family member. Putting it on the card helped me to be responsible to myself and to my feelings. It also helped keep me focus on the main issue.
           2) In 2004, I met Laura Peterson. Laura is a frank and gentle communicator. At one point, there was a mis-communication between us and she addressed it with openness and it not only cemented my friendship with her, but taught me that being open about our issues and concerns is better than holding grudges or making assumptions. (Duh, right?) She also taught me the value of creating a safe space - that when you humble yourself, you make a safe space for someone else to humble themselves. This particular finding has been very evident in my relationship with Curby, who has been willing to be vulnerable with me from the start, making it easy for me to do so also.
            3) In 2008, I became roommates with Sarah Martin-Werntz. Sarah was a mid-20's Social Work Masters student, and committed to justice, equality, and conversation. She was intentional about scheduling roommate time each week at least (Pancake Fridays was our ritual) and helped me to think more about my positions on political and social issues and also how to articulate them in a gentle and welcoming way. Learning how to challenge others and to be challenged was a great boon to my ability to communicate about my heart issues.
*** There were many others along the way to facilitated my improved communication as well. But these three are great examples of divine relationships and how the communication of others is helping me to be an honest and open communicator with Curby.

* Reading and Self-reflection: I love to read, but I don't always read "self-help" type books. However, when I came to UCLA, I found that I was struggling with loneliness and finding my place. Two books really helped me to change how I looked at myself and the world around me.
               1) Life of the Beloved, by Henri Nouwen. I blogged about this book in the past, so I won't expand much, except to say that I had to reclaim my "belovedness" in God's eyes in order to be ready to receive that I could be beloved in Curby's eyes. Being reminded of God's overwhelming and deep love for me not only allowed me to be a better friend to others because it also reminded me of their belovedness. Knowing my own belovedness, and knowing that Curby is the beloved as well, makes me value him and his nature and characteristics even more.
                2) How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, by Henry Cloud. My friend Shannon recommended this book to me, although she had not read it yet. I'll be honest I only got through about 75% of this book, and some of his exercises were near to impossible in my eyes.... BUT - reading this book and attempting the exercises (like trying to chat up five new men a week) helped me to become more open to the idea of dating. It helped me to face my fears and to own my attractiveness, my shape, my style. I didn't even realize how closed off I was until I read this book and was forced to see my own behaviors.

* Good Examples of Others: I am so blessed to have a number of men and women around me who have great, Christian marriages. Because of this, I have been able to glean little tidbits (and in some case have long discussions about a variety of things) about what it means to be a good wife - in the way that I want to be. From Karen Fergason, I learned how to exhort your husband, how to revere him and build him up. From my mom, I learned that it is not worth picking apart all the little things but instead always placing little things in context of the big picture and loving because of it. From Dorothy and Nick, I learned the value of serving your family and finding ways to bless those around you even sacrificially. From my grandparents and parents, I learned that finding shared interests was important and that you could build a life around enjoying the same things.

* Attitude of Sacrifice: One thing that I have taken from my best examples of marriage is the attitude of dying to self and living for the other. This is hard to do in a situation where there isn't mutual trust and safety. But I had been learning for the past few years that there is value in submitting your will to the will of others. To serving others even when its inconvenient and to being a friend who loves in surprising ways. I've seen this example so many times in my family and friends - not just in romantic relationships, but in others, too, and taking on this attitude that others matter more than me has helped me to be a better partner.
Disclaimer: I'm totally still working on this and SO often Curby suggests something and my initial response is "No." - but I'm learning how to say "Yes" first and then change my mind later, rather than the opposite.

* Prayers of Others and the Good Book: I used to do a lot of mentoring, discipleship and counseling. And I counseled women and men, singles and marrieds. I used to feel nervous advising married people, but Karen reminded me that I knew God's word and that if all truth is God's truth, then unmarried people have truth for married people, too.
           1) I mentioned this in the earlier post, but the prayers of others totally prepared me to be a married woman. Knowing that there were people out there crying out to God for me, gave me hope and encouragement. I felt less forgotten and abandoned when one of my married friends sat with me crying and saying, "I don't understand why you're single either, Tiffani, but I have been talking to God about it daily!" Believing that prayer works and knowing that they were praying kept me willing to believe this could happen.
            2)  It may sound cliche, but reading and studying and memorizing the Bible - especially the Psalms, where David cries out for God's help - really helped prepare me for this journey. Not only did they sustain me through my singleness, and give me words for when I was struggling to understand God's plan for my life, but they have helped me in the recent months as I pray in both gratitude and for help to be a better partner, and I know they will help me as I enter into this next season of marriage.

So there you have it. For now, those are the things I've been thinking about and noticing on my journey toward being a married woman. I continue to be excited about my future with Curby and the planning continues to move forward in a joyful way. More posts soon, friends. In the meantime, thanks for letting this blog ALSO be a way that I was prepared for marriage!

Transitioning out of Singleness (Part 2a): Words that hurt the Singleton's heart.

As I was thinking of how God prepared me for marriage, I was compelled to write about two particular things that people often say to singles about being single. It became longer than I expected, so the posting turned into two separate postings. The first (below) is things "not" to say to a singleton. The second post specifies the ways that I feel like I was prepared (and prepared myself) for marriage.

Before I share some of the things that I can see are helping me to be a better life-mate, let me first post my very strongly felt disclaimer.

Over the course of my adult life, I have heard many many many many (often married) people imply that there are specific reasons people remain single. These particular statements always strike me as condescending and generally, though unintentionally, hurtful. By identifying these statements below, it is my goal to expose that these statements are hurtful and to clarify that although I can look back and see how I was prepared, I am not saying that any other person's singleness, nor mine, is/was as a result of the reasons below.

1) The first is because "God wants to prepare them for their husband or wife." Yes, I think that a person's singleness may be a result of their needing further refinement (or I suppose of their partner needing further refinement) but to imply this about someone else is grossly prejudicial and condescending. Hopefully my words in the next post will show how I was prepared, and the steps I took to prepare myself - not just to be a good wife and life-partner, but also just to be a better friend and colleague. I would be more likely to say that doing these things helped me to be more open to approaching a romantic relationship than I needed to do these things "to be ready' to be a spouse. Frankly put, plenty of people meet a marriage partner before they are "ready" to be a spouse and just as many people get married in that same state. I have known them. Some of them worked it out and became great spouses. I just don't think "being prepared" alone is a good reason for a person being single.

2) The second is because "You need to focus all your attention on doing God's will, and then when you stop focusing on finding a partner, God will present that person to you."  Oh, this one makes me even angrier than the other - not the least of which is because I have spent the last 12 years really seeking God's will for my life -and following it into spiritual leadership roles, across the country, and into a new career, as a single woman... None of which I wanted for myself, while knowing the work would likely keep me single through each season. But also during those 12 years I wanted to meet a partner and I continued to look around for that person, even as I had fruitful ministries following God's call. And here I am - a decade older - and just now am meeting this person for me.
This particular statement "Just focus on doing God's work/will/etc, and then you'll meet your person." and its kin "When I stopped looking, that is when I found _______." are particularly painful because it implies to the receiver that they must NOT be doing God's will. Additionally, I frankly did not know how "stop looking" for my future husband. Being a wife and mother was a deep call in my heart and I did not know how to silence that in a way that made me immune to meeting new men and (even if only briefly) wondering "Could this be him?"

I want to bring these up, because I know how easy it is for each of us to advise others out of our own experience. A friend of mine, we'll call him Tom, told the story of how he met his wife and used example #2 above, during bible study, to a single gal asking for prayers for her husband. As Tom told it, he decided to stop just living to date to find his wife, and instead recommitted himself to God and gave up dating...and a few months later met his now wife of four years. This is a great story and yes, for him part of what it took was giving up his dating behaviors and focusing on doing work for God. But his experience is only his experience.  And my experience is only mine - which is why even though I'll gladly tell you I met Curby at OKCupid.com, I won't say that you "should" get on that site because that is totally the way to find your husband. Its just rubbish to expect other people's stories to be like ours.

I guess what I'm saying is that everyone's story is different. Is it OK, when you single friend asks why she or he is still single to say, "Well, maybe there are some things you need to work on before you're ready." Sure, I think it IS OK - but only say it if you are willing to be specific with your friend about habits and behaviors that they can refine. And only if you are willing to partner in the responsibility for loving them through it. A better answer might be, "I don't know. But hopefully you'll meet your person soon." and then tell them the story of some old friend of yours who met her soulmate at 37. Or at 42. Or at 54, if you can. And pass on a little hope instead of pain.

Phew. All of that being said.... check out the next post. :)

And feel free to weigh in on this one below. What other "reasons" for being single do you hate? What reasons do you give your friends when they ask why they are still single? 

(and lastly, remember to keep our single friends in our prayers, too - it can be a hard life out there for a single person, and knowing that someone is praying for you to be at peace and to find your soulmate - that someone is crying out for you makes a difference!)

Transitioning out of Singleness, Part 1: Griefs and Joys

Griefs and Joys: On the pain of losing my life 

I bought my wedding dress on a Thursday. My mom and my two youngest aunts, who are truly like big sisters to me, were there to help me try dresses on and pick out "the one." It was a great time where we laughed and cried together and afterward felt victorious, and also like we had really shared one of life's special moments.

At our victory lunch, after buying the dress!

The next morning I woke up to find one of my aunts sitting on the porch of the cabin where we were staying. We sat and talked for a bit and she mentioned, with tears in her eyes, that she was sad to see this visit end, as it was destined to be my last "solo" visit for quite some time. I protested, "No, there will be other times - we can still have girl's weekends and stuff!" But even as I said it, it rang hollow. I knew she was right and it was another reminder that this season of singleness is coming to an end.

Don't get my wrong - I am filled with great joy at the idea of marrying Curby. I cannot wait to be a wife, I cannot wait to be a mother, I'm excited for all the changes the Lord is bringing into my life. There is the joy of bringing some of my closest friends together and telling them what they mean to me and asking them to help me as I make this transition. There is the joy of inviting a multitude of friends and family to come celebrate with me and Curby as we enter into this new state of life. There is joy in knowing I am bringing joy to others in my family and hope to all that God does indeed answer prayer. There is so much joy.

But in the midst of that joy, is something I did not expect: grief.

When I was 32 and single a friend said to me, "I didn't get married till I was older, either, and I can totally relate to how hard it was." This friend had been married 3 years at the time and had gotten married at 29. I tried to be gracious, but inside I was frustrated and said to myself, "I was single at 29, too. And being single at 32 is different, and harder, than it was at 29." And so I have been grieving that in some ways my being able to relate clock ends at 36. This is silly, in some ways, but its how I feel.
   * First of all, to presume that I know how others feel at any age is presumptuous and vain. However, I know that for me I always felt a sort of comraderie and encouragement from those women who were older than me and single, or who had been older when they got married (those 36, 37, 38 yr-old, or older friends who married when I was 33, 34, 35). I am glad to have been an encouragement to a lot of young women over the years, as I pursued the life God called me to as a single woman with (hopefully) joy and confidence, but I'm sad that now I will be speaking from a different vantage point. I grieve that loss.
    * Second of all, I grieve with my single friends who are around my age or older and are losing one more single friend to marriage. Those women and men, who are longing for marriage and who have found companionship in their other single friends - even from afar, are my people. I remember when I was in that position and I was so happy for my friends getting married but also so sad and crying out to the Lord, "What about me, Lord, will you forget me forever?" And I'm sad that now I will represent, even a little bit, that thing they are longing for, and that they will not want to tell me for worry of marring my happiness or for appearing vain or self-centered (all things I worried about as I put on a brave face to with my friends true happiness).

When I think of the conversation with my aunt on the patio, I grieve the awesomeness of the single times I've been able to have with my family and friends around the country and world. I have great memories of times of great joy, traveling to Texas and Illinois for fun times with friends, for weddings and weekends of fun, traveling to Washington for family and friend time combined, and even international travel just because we might as well do it.
    * I grieve that now my travel decisions are in partnership with someone else who doesn't necessarily have the same ties to my friends that I do.
    * I grieve that now my travel decisions are weighted with visiting someone else's family and someone else's priorities and that at the very least, this means my ability to visit my own friends and family may be cut in half as we learn to share travel to these places that matter to us.
    * I grieve that as we begin to create a family, our ability to travel will be even more constrained by finances and convenience.
    * I grieve that rather than being the single person who travels to see everyone, I will be the one asking my single friends to visit me, and hoping that they will.

But even this grief comes with some new, great joys: I love traveling with Curby! We have a great time together whether on the road or in the air, and I love exploring new places with him. My joy in having a permanent "travel-buddy" (to join, not replace, my dear friends who also hold that title: Tall Brian, K-Falk, Fulms, Bullard-1&2) is immense. But I grieve the loss of my individual freedom and "footloose and fancy-free-ness"

Lastly for now, I am also filled with great joy at being part of couple. I am thrilled to have a new way to relate to my married friends - to not feel like a third-wheel, to do "couple things". I am excited that Curby likes my parents and they like him and that we have things in common and that they are looking forward to doing "couple things" together also. I love having someone to watch TV with, or talk to about my day - who really cares/listens, to cook for and to listen to over dinner, someone to care for and to care about.
    * I fear becoming like my single friends who got married and then forgot about the singletons. And I think I grieve because I know that for a season at least, it might be inevitable that I spend less time with my single friends as I cultivate this new partnership.
    * I grieve because I know my aunt is right. I can't stay the same and be different. This relationship is changing me - not necessarily in a bad way - but still changing me. And if I am being changed, then all of my life is being changed, too. And I grieve because I know that it means that others lives are also being changed and not by their own volition and despite their happiness for me, not always in ways they like. And not always in ways that I like or expected or want. I grieve the awesome life that Tiffani and her friends and family had - even as I rejoice in the awesome life that Tiff and Curby and their friends and their family will have.

Thus are the start of the many, many thoughts of a mid-30-something bride-to-be. The Apostle Paul says, "When I was a child, I thought like a child... but now that I am a man, I think like a man." I think this true for me also, when it comes to this relationship stuff. When I was 21 and engaged at the end of college (long story, I broke it off before graduation), I did not think of any of this stuff. I didn't have the experiences under my belt to give me empathy and grace, well hopefully grace. But now that I am a woman, I find myself strangely torn between overwhelming excitement - -  truly, I could literally talk about wedding stuff and Curby's awesomeness all the time - - to embarrassed bashfulness - - I don't want it to look like I'm bragging over these blessings - - to rigid minimalization - - I don't want my friends to feel salt pouring in their wounds. I had those wounds. I have those scars. I understand the tension and the pain.

I don't have a resolution to all this yet, except to grieve the way I've always grieved - which is to say to process it as fully as I can, to cry a lot, to pray and discuss with God whenever my heart aches, and to walk forward into the reality as it exsists and as it is becoming. But I know that I want to be different even as a married woman. I want to be like some of my best married friends - conscious of my single friends, loving on them as family, always praying with confident hope for the desires of their hearts. I hope I can be that woman, that wife, and that friend.

Upcoming Series: Transitioning out of Singleness

In the upcoming weeks (months?), I plan to blog a series of posts on the topic of my transition from being a single, mid-30's woman to a dating/engaged mid-30's woman. My hope is that these posts will help me to process this transition, while also sharing some of the experiences that I've been having with those who are interested because they are friends, and those who are interested because they are single, and maybe some of those who are interested because they are not single any longer.

I think the posts will cover the following topics:
Part 1. Griefs and Joys: On the pain of losing my life
Part 2. The Little Things: On how I was prepared before-hand
Part 3. What I did and didn't know: On counseling couples as a single woman
Part 4. Being Faithful in Hope: On almost giving up and God's faithfulness
(maybe some other parts as other ideas come up)

In an ideal world, I'd tell you that these posts were coming once per week, but I'm working a LOT this summer, and also need to incorporate at least some dissertation writing, so at best I can hope the series will be completed prior to my wedding (ha!). Set up your RSS and keep your eyes open for an update!

Discomfort and Blessing

From the morning reading of the Daily Light, January 7: Thus says the LORD: "I remember you, the kindness of your youth, the love of your betrothal, when you went after Me in the wilderness." I will remember My covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish and everlasting covenant with you. I will visit you and perform My good word toward you. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Nehemiah 5:19; Jeremiah 2:2, Ezekiel 16:60; Jeremiah 29:10-11)

Recently I sent a text message to a young friend of mine on his birthday. In the text I said, "Excited to see what the Lord has in store for you this year!"

His reply: "Thanks Tiff. My guess would be discomfort or really just opposite of what I would typically want! :)"

I laughed at his reply - as he had intended and reflected with him how that has often been my experience, but not necessarily the general rule.

This morning as I read the scriptures listed above, I was both encouraged and frustrated. Encouraged because I know those scriptures to be telling the truth. I know God loves me and thinks his good word toward me. I believe that God is keeping his covenant with me. And I trust that His plans will bring me to a good end, not an evil one.

I was frustrated because I can remember how often my will, the future and the hope that I want for myself, has not been fulfilled. And it made me think of that text message from my young friend.

This morning as I encounter the world, and God in the world, I want to remember that much of walking with Christ is about my attitude toward my experiences. Like little Much Afraid, who met the Great Shepherd's will with fear and trembling at first and later with acceptance and joy, I need to continually place my trust in the Shepherd's love for me. Trusting him is the only way that I can agree with what the prophets wrote thousands of years ago.

However, I don't have to let is be uncomfortable or the opposite of what I want. The Scriptures tell us that if we seek God, we will come to know him, we will find him - that if we obey God, he will love us and show himself to us. The real question for me is, what do I value more - God and his love for me, or my secret hopes and plans? If I was being honest, its most often the latter. I value my hopes and plans and hope that in God's love for me, he will provide them. But this kind of conditional love is out of sync with the Gospel, which tells us simply to love God and then love others. The chief end of man, the catechism says, is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. If that is really true, then my attitude is the only thing that separates my experience of God as a cruel taskmaster who wants to humiliate me from my experience of God as a benevolent father who is using every encounter as a teaching experience.

Reflecting on her experience living and writing "Hinds Feet on High Places", Hannah Hurnard said, "Everything around me seems to have been designed to emphasize this lesson. I have been brought to a place where all God's creation appears to be uttering things in a language which only becomes clearly audible and understood by hearts that have been learning in the school of suffering. It is the language which one begins to spell out in one's innermost soul when one is on a cross to which self is being transfixed by nails of pain and anguish of heart."

All humans will suffer. That is evident around us in so many ways. But as a follower and lover of God, my best response is to believe that these sufferings (or in some cases, just these little discomforts or denials of my hopes/expectations) are truly good. Can I meet God's path with acceptance and joy? Can I believe in 2011 that God really is working toward my good, to give me a hope and a future - even though that future may not look as I had expected or planned or intended? Can you?

Lord I want to go to heaven.... but I don't want to go tonight....

The title of this post comes from a Joe Diffie song called "Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die" - I think that it is pretty emblematic of a number of Christians that I know, and frankly, of myself on frequent occasions.

This morning I read the following article in Relevant magazine:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/23924-everyone-wants-to-go-to-heaven-just-not-yet

in which the author offers up an opinion piece about what it means to really be a Christian and look to heaven as our daily destination - rather than a place we'll go once we "reach our earthly goals."

This article really resonates with me, because so many of my friends have said things to me like "Well, I really want Jesus to come back - but I want it to be after I get married (read: have sex) and have kids." And my internal response to this comment (ok, sometimes my external response, too) is always, "Really?!?!"

I think that this shows how little we really think or know about what it will be like to be in heaven, or on earth for that matter. We completely underestimate the grace of God on earth and the presence of God in heaven.

In "The Four Loves" C.S. Lewis says "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." 


When I first read the quote above, it really struck me how little I had been letting God infuse my day to day life. (I often still live this way, mud pies and all) And as I grew in Christ, I was continually reminded through scripture and prayer and experience, how much better heaven is and will be than this earthly coil.


As I experience my friends' marriages and learn about their struggles, I see that heaven will be a LOT better. (even better than the best marriages) As I play with my friends' children and enjoy their presence, I see the heaven will be a LOT better. Heaven will even be better than the feeling I get when my dog rushes to greet me when I come home.


I mean a LOT better.


But when we are living here on this planet, its really hard to remember that day in and day out. We get sort of coated with the reality of earth, lulled - like Dorothy in a sea of poppies - into thinking that the best of earth is the best there is anywhere. I think this is one of the devil's best tricks. If we can be convinced that the best there is is the best there is on earth, we will turn our heads aside from heaven, and ultimately God, and be satisfied with the mud pies.


My friend Karen always says that its like we are drinking glasses of toilet water when the freshest, coldest waterfall is right next to us just waiting to fill our glasses.


So for 2011, my prayer for me and for you, friend, is that we would enjoy what we have on earth, but only in the context of what we will have in heaven. That we will look expectantly toward God's coming with joy and not live in fear that God will return "before I have sex" or "before I get pregnant" or "before Baylor wins the Women's NCAA tourney" whenever any of those things may be. May instead we pray with the disciple: Come quickly Lord Jesus and do not tarry.