Thursday, August 12, 2010

Two years: thoughts on life, death, and change.

I am struck by how much life is changed in two years, and how much it is exactly the same.

Two years ago this week, I was heading with my family to Lake Tahoe to celebrate my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary and a family reunion. I was packing to get ready to move to LA and start my doctoral journey. I had no idea that we would lose Grampa Dick in the days to follow.

I have been remembering those days (reading the ol' blog comes in handy in these moments!) and thinking about life, death, and change. Donald Miller (author of "Blue Like Jazz", etc) has a blog I've been following and today it is about death: and it made me think again about my grampa and what he experienced in those moments when he had his heart attack, all alone in the walkway of the Tahoe casino. I hope that he was not afraid of death in the later hours when he was semi-alert in the hospital. Though I know he was fearing what was happening to him and all around him (you could see and sense his distress), I hope that when he finally breathed his last, he was not afraid.

Don Miller's dog, Lucy,  has ostensibly been writing the posts recently and so the one linked above talks about how dogs aren't afraid to die because they don't even know about death. They just trust God and their owners. She wonders who told us about death - because the reason we fear it is that we don't (can't) really know anything about it. And I think she is right. But if we trusted God and what he says about death, we wouldn't fear.

That is true about life, too.

If we trusted God about our lives, we would not fear or be anxious.

One thing that has not changed for me in two years is my not trusting God enough about my life. Also unchanged is my marital status, financial status, and my unsurity (is that a word?) about my future. But if I really trusted God with the plan, if I really believed that I could just walk forward loving God and loving others and God would truly take care of me, then I think I would be less anxious or worried or striving or discontent.

Because sometimes I'm discontent (is that a word?) and it shows in my cranky attitude or bitterness following an event or activity. It shows when my heart aches about being the oldest single person at a wedding or when I ask the leaders of my small group if we could please recruit some other single people because the group has suddenly become "couples and Tiffani."

(to the credit of the people in these various scenarios, they are super gracious and understanding with me)

Yesterday I wrote my friend an email that was full of heartbreak - I vocalized all the things I was thinking and feeling, and today in the Daily Light for 8/12, morning, it said: For the Lord does not cast off forever, though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.(Lam 3:31). And the rest of the verses for this morning were like that. As though God, who loves me even better than an earthly father, thought "now is the time to reminder her of who I am."

I needed the reminder. I need more reminders. I pretty much need to be reminded moment by moment to trust God and not fear or be anxious. To be content and trust that God knows my heart, the he has my back, and that He really will not forget about me.

Maybe if I do, the next two years will indeed show even more change than the last.


Erin said...

Amen and amen. Though I am *so* not a Donald Miller fan, for many many reasons, I the part about the dog made me smile. Right there in the boat next to you Tiff...let's get out and walk, shall we?